If you follow me on twitter (or if you don’t – you should), I’d apologize for the onslaught of tweets hashtagged #SFWC2012, that have been filling your feed. For the past two days, the majority of my time has been spent downtown at the Southern Food Writing Conference – an impromptu purchase that has thus far been a wonderful experience. I promise to blog, in my more detail, about said experience(s) but until then I have decided to utilize a guest blogger rather than not post at all.
I read this ‘short story’ last night on Facebook, and literally laughed out loud. It takes a keen sense of sarcastic wit to actually make me do this so I figured I would share it with my readers as well. It’s not about food or running, but if you don’t at least crack a smile then you may not have a soul. Please Enjoy.
A Powdery Demise
By Mike Swanson
In these parts, there is a frequent necessity to brave the urban jungle. It is a scary, unpredictable gauntlet of death-defying trials that can end disastrously in countless ways. The simple act of transporting oneself to and from a locale of needless and mind numbing toil can be a hair-raising adventure in amongst itself.
One must contend with an army of metal beasts that move with great speed on four wheels that have strange critters inside them that wildly flail their appendages. Occasionally, there are some bipedal monsters that cover themselves in a black, pliable covering and grow their hair to great lengths – these ones choose to ride on mechanical beasts that make a noise so great as to make the earth tremble. This is undoubtedly to strike fear into the hearts of their foes when the ride into battle.
Upon returning back my dwelling, I allowed myself a sigh of relief at having successfully dodged certain death yet again. I was heading to the door with a spring in my step. My eight-hour term of slavery was over and the promise of entire evening of drinking effervescent fermented drinks was dancing in my head.
I walked inside, and I knew something was wrong immediately! There was a deafening silence as I surveyed the scene that greeted me. The area was devoid of all wildlife, and the air was heavy with the scent of death. There had been a great struggle here… the area was torn asunder. Leading off to the southwest, was a blood trail. At that moment, I know the fate of one of the combatants was an excruciating demise.
I chose to follow the trail knowing what I would find at its end. Every hair on my body was standing on end and was accompanied by goose bumps. All my senses were at a heightened state of awareness, expecting death to jump out at any moment! I slowly moved among the clutter and undergrowth following the trail of blood as best as I could…
I soon came to a small clearing. Exposing myself, I cautiously moved into the area with the stealth of a ninja.
My heart left my chest as I jumped from the sound that came from behind me! Fists and feet were flying in a furious assault as I was flying through the air! If death was going to take me, I was going to go down fighting! I was going to Chuck Norris whatever was coming for me! I was about to release the mac-daddy of all atomic elbow drops when I realized there was nothing there! In the dense undergrowth, I had stepped on a twig… and nearly evacuated my bowels in doing so.
As my heart rate and breathing got back to normal, I decided to press on, seeing where the blood trail would lead. And it was not long before I found out where. On the other side of the clearing, just out of view lay the carcass…. or what was left of it.
I had to steady myself at the sight. Blood was covering everything. Whatever had done this was a monster! the carcass lay in pieces amongst its own blood. The mass of flesh was unrecognizable. Torn to pieces, bones stuck out at grotesque ways with skin and muscle hanging off of them.
My balance faltered as the world around me began to spin. I dropped to one knee and for a moment thought my insides were going to jump out of me…. and then a curious sensation hit me. Something warm and moist was moving up my cheek! I spun around falling on my back side in the process. There, right in front of me was the unholy beast responsible! The infernal hound of destruction was right in front of me, waiting to tear me to pieces!!! AND IT WAS SMILING!!!!
About the author: Only brother of the Sassy Swan. We share the same last name but unlike myself, he lives above the Mason Dixon line with his murderous husky, Akita. (Sidenote: that ‘carcass’ was once a 5 lb. bag of flour…)
Have a happy weekend!