I did it. I successfully managed three whole, drawn-out, miserable days of sipping three meals a day through a straw. Monday I wrote that I was tackling a detox cleanse thingy that J had done and wanted to keep you guys in the loop. You’ll notice I didn’t have my regularly scheduled Wednesday post and that’s because I wanted to complete the cleanse before I wrote about it. I’ll be completing my thoughts in tomorrow post so get excited. Or as excited as you can get over blended meal drinks.
So was it worth it? I don’t know…I’m actually not quite sure why I did it in the first place other than to prove I could and to make myself feel better about the chicken wing garlic roll bonanza I went on over the weekend (ask me if that was worth it and I’ll give you a hearty “Hell yeah!”). Rather provide you with my sarcastic inner monologue for the remainder of the post, here’s a synopsis for your enjoyment. And also if you ever feel like doing this…
Day One: Went to bed feeling like an oompa loompa (see above mentioned bonanza) and woke up ready to detoxify, or whatever. This included skipping on my typical Keurig special and switching to green tea with lemon. I happen to like the taste of green tea (especially this kind) so this really wasn’t a problem for me. What was, was the caffeine withdrawal headache that ensued a few hours later and lasted for the majority of the day.
The breakfast smoothie was by far my most favorite of the three. It’s also the only one I would consider drinking while not actually cleansing. It filled me up until lunch time and the almond butter added an unexpected flavor that I loved. It was like a peanut butter and jelly in a cup.
Then came the lunch time smoothie. This sucker called for 4 celery stalks, a whole cucumber, kale, and some other good stuff. The other stuff isn’t the point. The point is that this drink had the consistency of a stringy and fibrous gazpacho. Except you were expected to suck the stuff through a straw. The first sip renders a “oh, this isn’t that bad” thought, and even the second and third sips are tolerable. Once you start trying to conquer the whole shebang though, it’s a different story. Not once did I finish this drink. Amid my desire to simply eat something, I still couldn’t bring myself to finish the thing. Even looking at it made my grimace and the last bit landed in the garbage disposal. Bleh.
Snack time! Except not. You get your choice of any of the three smoothies to drink for a snack. Well it sure as hell wasn’t going to be that dirty lunch goop again but I didn’t have time to go home and make another breakfast drink so I was S.O.L. I had a green tea instead. It was warm, I was cold, and honestly the thought of another smoothie after that lunch drink curbed my hunger pains.
I managed to hop to the gym for a quick session and run 3 miles with J before dinner. My body was starting to feel a bit off at this point and I was extremely lethargic before and after my workouts. Weirdly enough, I was perfectly fine during. Also, I was really cold. I mean, I’m a pretty cold natured person anyways, but this was weird. Like, shivering cold.
Dinner time came along and the recipe calls for, amongst other goodies, 1/4 teaspoon of cayenne pepper. Now, being one who cooks a fair amount, and knowing that I was only making about 2 1/2 cups of smoothie, this sounded like a ridiculous amount. I don’t care – say I cheated – but I was not putting that much pepper in my drink. I did 1/8 tsp and it turned out fine. Actually better than fine, pretty ok. Not as good as breakfast but not nearly as bad as lunch.
The cleanse calls for a “detox ultra bath” every evening – this consists of a shit ton of Epsom salt and lavender oil. I am a bath junkie anyways and since I was freakishly cold the bath was my favorite part so far. Into the tub I went where I soaked up some salty goodness and breathed in the ‘tranquil qualities’ of the lavender.
I went to bed that night on the cusp of having a headache but all in all, not feeling too bad. I actually wasn’t hungry and that was with skipping my ‘snack’ and two workouts. Success!
Day Two: Pretty similar to day one, headache included – although not as bad or long. Green tea was drunk and the breakfast smoothie was tasty and managed to hold me over until…
…dreaded lunchtime. I wasn’t going to slurp down this concoction again so I decided to adjust. Recipe calls for 4 celery stalks – I threw in two. Frankly I think my ole’ Hamilton Beach blender is on its last leg and so really I was doing myself and my blender a favor. Recipe also calls for a whole cucumber. I actually love fresh cucumber slices, so I cut the thing up, threw half in the blender, and at the other half. Oooh so dangerous. I also added about a cup of water while the blender was running just to – I don’t even know – help in whatever way it could. This drink was more tolerable the yesterday’s but I still didn’t manage to finish it, and it still tasted like the underside of a lawnmower. Curse you lunch time drink, CURSE YOU!
Snack time this go around was different. I was prepared. Not with a drink because honestly I was sick of blending shit, but with the food that would have gone into said drink if I had made it. The other two celery stalks from lunch and half a green apple with a tablespoon of almond butter. Call me a cheater, I don’t care, but I prefer the term efficient.
Dinner time came and went without any issue or incident as did bath time. Love bath time.
Day Three: The home stretch! Breakfast was thumbs up and lunch was, again, thumbs down. I’m pretty sure I didn’t even finish half of it this time. Sorry I’m not sorry.
I managed to push out 4 miles on my lunch break without any issue. Snack was half an apple with almond butter and my pre dinner workout at the gym was fine, although I was beginning to feel tired and kept catching myself yawning.
Dinner and bath were uneventful and I went to bed happy, knowing that I could eat today. Oh the joy of chewing!
I really want to talk about random things I did, how felt, and all that garbage but I feel like this post is dragging on a bit. So until tomorrow, have a great day and be thankful your lunch doesn’t come from a blender.
*Please note that this particular cleanse may not be for everybody. Should you choose to try it, you should okay it with your doctor first.